Beyond Redemption

I think from the title, you can probably guess that I wasn’t happy with Snow White and the Huntman. I don’t want to give away key details -in case you plan to see it- but I’ll leave you with this: You won’t miss anything if you wait for HBO.

Now, here’s a few things that irked me. They may be in spoiler territory (though, I’ll try to avoid that).

1. It’s like eating an entire meal, but not feeling full.

This flick is over 2 hours long, and to me, you’re fed bits and pieces and then expected to be satisfied. No real background on the queen except a few flashbacks (and her story looks like it could have been interesting if it was properly told).

No real background on the Huntsman except for revealing a tragedy that made him what he is today. Only, they give hints that what happened to him actually had legs and could have been interesting and fitting in well with the queen’s reign.

We learn that Snow White has been locked in a tower from girlhood until adulthood, but they never tell you anything of what she experienced.

The “prince” (Really, a Duke’s son) is another one you really know nothing about except they played toigether as kids and now he’s an adult.

The dwarfs… I think I was most annoyed with that. Not only are their accents so thick I couldn’t even hear their names (to see who was who), but they’re certainly not cute like the fairytale suggests, and are, in fact, somewhat unlikeable at times. >.> I should also add that they’re not in the film much at all, and though they give you a laugh or two, you get the distinct feeling that they couldn’t have appeared at all and the movie wouldn’t have missed anything. The dwarfs are an integral part of the Snow White story and they weren’t done justice at all. Then again, I guess that’s why it’s called Snow White and the Huntsman.

2. Where are my Charlize scenes?

My main reason for spending money on this was Charlize Theron. She’s gorgeous and I love her as queen. In the trailers, as well as in the Florence + the Machine video, “Breath of Life” (Which plays at the end of the film and sounds fucking dynamic in surround sound), there are scenes that catch your attention.

Like the queen’s milk bath -she dips herself in and thrashes around… yeah. She gets in the bath, but all the swimming around? Nope.

She’s standing in the snow looking badass, flings her dress and it becomes crows. Yeah, that happens, but not really that way. She looks >.> quite different from the pretty Charlize who did it in the trailer.

There’s a scene where she’s screaming and the mirror looks like it’s exploding and shards are flying. That doesn’t happen, either.

In fact, though I realize this is Stewart’s movie, we don’t get nearly enough Charlize. But there’s one redeeming scene -the confrontation between her and Snow. To say she stole the movie with that one scene would be accurate. If you don’t like Twilight girl, you’ll love it. lol. However, it doesn’t last long, so savor it well.

On her own, she’s quite awesome, but spends too much of the movie screaming at people -which incidentally caused her to tear a stomach muscle in RL. She does evil well, though, and when she stuck her metal-clad finger inside of a bird and ate its raw heart, I knew it was love. lol.

3. Ever hear the expression, “Mouth open long enough to catch flies”?

Kristen Stewart is not someone that I feel can act. She’s not the worst, but she isn’t good. At all. In a film where the main character must inspire, she just… doesn’t. She spends the majority of the movie with her mouth ajar (showing off big front teeth) and staring at stuff in a very Twilight way. They go on and on about how beautiful Snow White is… really? Where at? The day she can ever be considered prettier than Charlize Theron…

Near the end of the movie, she gives a speech that’s supposed to “rally the troops”. It was so FLAT. She just has no presence, you know? I’ve never seen someone’s mouth open so long in a movie before. I know that’s a look models tend to use to appear “alluring”, but on her, she just looks like she rides the short bus. Have I also mentioned that she seems to be flat all the way around? >.> Flat chest, flat ass, lanky, big feet…

4. …But I thought he was Thor?

The hunstman (who also plays Thor) is not what I’d consider badass. Brave and stuff, yeah, but he took quite a few beatings. He prevailed, of course, but still. The trailer makes him seem like he’s taking muthafuckas out left and right, but his opening scene has him drunk, getting his ass whooped, and waking up in one of those things horses drink from. Granted, I guess we’re supposed to see how he’s declined since his tragedy, but he gets beat up a few more times, and to me, kinda gets by on luck and opportunity more than skill.

5. The Prince isn’t really a prince.

The guy who should be the prince is really a duke’s son that Snow used to play with as a kid. When all hell broke loose (I won’t tell you what happened), he and his father tried to save her, failed, and he thought she was dead all that time. He looks like a cross between Russel Brand and that British guy who sings “You’re Beautiful” (more toward the latter). BUT he does have a redeeming quality. He can handle a bow the way Legolas can in Lord of the Rings. He was actually fun to watch when he was doing his thing.

6. The Grimm of the fairytale.

This movie does have a darker edge. It’s not the Snow White you’re used to. People actually fucking die in this one, however, keep in mind that this is a PG-13 film. So to get teenagers to spend their money (The same teens that, I suspect, liked Twilight), there’s nearly no blood. Some of the injuries sustained should have been gushing crimson, and if you see a few drops, you’re lucky. It’s silly, unrealistic, and if you’re going to have magical spikes thrown into a guy’s chest that lift him up a pillar, we oughta see his blood pouring out of his armor. This is why I avoid flicks for kids. >.> Done right, this thing could have been cool.

7. Enter the apple.

This is where spoilers can happen, so I’ll just say that it’s somewhat creative, the way she takes a bite. But after that, it’s just kinda: “…seriously?” I don’t want to tell you anything more about that situation -the apple and Snow being awoken- but it just made me blink at the screen and say, “Gimme a break”.

8. Campy where no camp was intended.

Snow White and the Huntsman can be quite… goofy? There are serious scenes that made people unintentionally laugh. There is a death scene that invoked zero emotion. There is a heroine that makes you root for the evil queen. There’s a hero who doubles as a guy you might have -at one time- crossed the street to avoid, and another you just feel sorry for. Dwarfs that are neither cute nor relevant, and an ending that makes you snort and want your $26 worth of ticket money back.

9. Still, not unwatchable.

This movie, to me, is something to see if you have a free pass or are willing to go to the morning show when tickets are half price. Otherwise, you can just wait for HBO. There are no scenes that must be seen widescreen, and honestly, many of the fight scenes were filmed so close, you feel like it’s in fucking 3D. Florence + the Machine’s video made the movie look better than it actually was, and it ends so openly and stupidly, you can already smell the sequel… the sequel I won’t watch.

Out of a possible 5 Yashas, I give Snow White and the Huntsman 3 Yashas for great visual effects, Charlize Theron, and her fucking dress.

P.S. The new Peter Parker isn’t cute, his hair is HUGE, and The Amazing Spiderman just doesn’t look appetizing -to me.