Beyond Redemption

Today’s Confession…

I’m an insomniac, like, for real. As of right now, I’ve been awake almost 24 hours. I have no idea why I’m like this, but I am. I’ll stay up reading a manga, or trying to write (like last night), and then I’ll just wind up staying awake. I don’t like doing that; it just happens. I’ve thought about sleeping pills, and even tried Lunesca (Horrid aftertaste), but at the end of the day, I don’t like medicating myself if I don’t have to (especially since I take meds every day now). Anyway, so that’s my confession -a really simple one. That, and I’m going to probably work on another update tomorrow.

/Confession

I was busy and forgot to do my confession, so I’m doing it now, at 2am on Wed going into Thurs.

Today’s Confession…

I really hate racists. I hate people who can’t see past skin color, ethnicity, and nationality to the person’s core. I despise people who create judgments based on a glance. It’s as bad as these fandom whores I’ve dealt with who judge people based on a fucking story or a piece of fanart. They know NOTHING of the person who created it, but just based on words on a webpage, or ink on paper, they’re either the best, or worst, person on earth. *eyeroll* And the painful part is that these are grown women in their 30’s, 40’s, and even 50’s who do this. It’s especially funny when the slug in question is both racist and stupidly judgmental… but that’s a story for another time.

I’m biracial, genetically made up of 3 different races (And no, none of them are white. Though, some time ago, I was accused of being white and just “pretending” to be biracial by one of these fandom assholes. Whatever that fucking means…). I’m proud of who I am and all that makes me, me. Hating someone based on color, race, or religion is retarded to me because there’s good and bad in all people, period. I don’t believe in discriminating against, or looking down on, anyone unless it’s because of their shitty, loathsome personality. Color and ethnicity plays no role whatsoever.

Case and point, my inner circle is comprised of Whites, Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, and biracials. And you know what? When, and if, I meet more people along the way who I deem cool enough to be a art of that circle, they will be, because you don’t have to be a certain anything in order to be my good friend.

Life’s too short to be a prick. Drop the racism and stop missing out on some of the best people you’re ever going to meet.

/Confession

Today’s Confession…

September 7th marks the anniversary of my mother’s death, and no, all these years later, I’m still not over it. I know some people don’t understand, or maybe they do, but still think I should be able to just “move on” from that. They’re fucking naive. How does an only child simply move on from the grief of losing her only parent? How does a daughter just move on from the shock and devastation of being the one to find her mother’s body?

How does that even fucking compute?

I grew up in a single-parent household. My parents divorced when I was two. (It’s fine; I don’t care if he is alive or dead. It wouldn’t change my day at all.) My mom and I were tight, because as far as immediate family goes, we were all we had. So yes, when her anniversary or birthday comes around I feel it. The weeks leading up to that day, especially the anniversary, always grows dimmer and dimmer until I’m completely dark. Everyone in my inner circle knows that. It isn’t something I schedule; it’s something that just happens and it’s beyond my control. I grow very quiet, moody, and distant. Sometimes, I disappear altogether. They know why and they understand.

So, this is for people who don’t know me well, or who are only just meeting me. I become a different person by the end of August and I’m not really myself again until mid September. Don’t take it personally.

/Confession.

Today’s Confession…

A lot of people don’t see it because I’m loud when I’m amongst friends, but yeah. I’m a loner and fairly anti-social. Always have been. It has a lot to do with my shyness, I’m sure, but it also has to do with the fact that I’m perfectly happy in my own little world. I don’t get people that want to be on the phone and instant messenger, and social networks every minute of their lives. I’m just… not interested. Do I use Facebook? Yeah, but I go days, sometimes weeks, at a time without posting/reading anything.

I rarely use IM (except with my Kau). I almost never touch my phone (socially). I rarely go out partying or whatever. I’ve done all that stuff before and I’m over it. I’m a homebody who is at her best when she’s just chillin’ and doing her own thing. I know people want to e-mail all the time and be chatty, and I don’t really mind that, but I have carpal tunnel. A lot of excess typing kills me. Sometimes I go days between replies, but it’s not rudeness. I’m usually either really busy, or my hands hurt. Some people mistake it for being aloof or stuck up, but it’s really that I’m painfully shy and don’t have a lot to say.

Everyone I’m friends with approached me first. Seriously. I’ve never been one to just strike up a conversation in an attempt to make a new friend. Shyness kills that, plus, I know I don’t always feel like ‘talking’. So rather than appear shifty and fairweather, I just keep to myself. I also don’t extend the hand of friendship first because, in this fandom, I’ve been shown more than once that a lot of people don’t approach “purely”. They have an ulterior motive that they’ll attempt to execute at a later date, or they think you have some kind of ‘name’ in a fandom, so they’ll latch on to be part of the “it” crowd. Only, that shit is wasted on me because I’m a loner, lol. THERE ARE NO MINIONS TO SPEAK OF.

Anyway, yeah, that’s my confession. I’m anti-fucking-social with a low tolerance for bullshit. lol.

/Confession.

Today’s Confession…

When I began in fandom, I just wanted to write about InuYasha. I had a slew of ideas and just wrote to indulge myself. I shared my stories, not because I expected heaps of praise or anything (my grammar back then would tell you that), but because I wanted to be a part of the ‘gang’ that loved InuYasha and wasn’t ashamed to show it. I had no idea things would go as well as they did.

I wound up getting a lot of buzz. Sure, some was negative, but a lot was positive and it pushed me to continue to write, and more importantly, have fun. There are some… let’s just call them assholes, in this fandom who tried really, really hard to make being part of the InuYasha fandom a nightmare for me. They would take a lot of time out of their day to bash me -someone they never even had a conversation with– spread lies and rumors (Did you know that if you’re skillful with erotica it’s because you’re a hooker?), and all basically because they were angered by the positive attention my “subpar” fiction got while they (or the false gods they worship within the fandom) were not getting what they felt they were due. Or maybe it was because I was a new writer who shouldn’t have had any popularity, so they wanted to ‘fix’ that. Or was it because they didn’t like my content -even if a bunch of other people were writing harder stuff than I was.

Or maybe I was just fucking special.

Remember, I started writing because I love InuYasha. I started sharing because I wanted to be part of the fandom who loved him, and not once in all the time that I’ve been writing have I bragged about myself, my supposed skills, or boasted about awards I’ve won. (I’ve also never flamed or wanked anyone in my life. That’s so fucking beneath me…) I wrote for the love of InuYasha, not the love of ‘internet fame’ and photoshopped accolades. So these crazy attacks I was embroiled in made no sense to me, and they still don’t. But despite all of that…  I’m still a lucky Grrrl.

It seemed that for every asshole who badmouthed me, another liked what I did. I’ve been blessed with lots of hits and reviews (even before Absolution was born), and I’ve inspired tons of things from fanart to AMVs. People like what I do. I entertain them. They know my writing style, understand it, and enjoy it. Some loved it so much, they plagiarized my fanfics. >.> (You can largely thank them for why Absolution is locked) While a section fandom killed themselves to make me feel hated, a bigger group killed themselves to make sure I felt the very opposite.

It’s nice to be appreciated, but most of my readers have become my friends, too, and that -for me- is the important thing. That’s why I consider myself lucky. I was able to be “successful” at a pastime I loved while getting to know really great people. That doesn’t happen everyday, does it?

So, let me take a second to thank everybody for 7 years of fun, laughter, and friendship. No, the waters weren’t always smooth, but many of the people who were with me at the start are still with me and I’ve met many more along the way who made the BS worth it. Thank you for all the wonderful gift fiction, fanart, graphics, AMVs, and support, too. You guys have made a lot of dark days more than bearable and your presence is appreciated.

AND NO, THIS ISN’T A RETIREMENT SPEECH!

Speaking of awesome friends, look what Moni made for me last night!

Awesome, ne? (Full screen at my gallery)

I’m a lucky Grrrl… and I know it. 

/Confession.

Today’s Confession…

Believe it or not, I actually do RP.

I used to look at that shit cross-eyed, but then I had it properly introduced to me. It’s actually fun, not to mention that it provides an escape when I don’t feel like doing anything productive.  However, if anyone is reading this and getting ideas, let me put that stop sign up now ’cause it’s not gonna happen.

I already have an RP partner and I don’t plan on switching up. Ever. But what kills me is how random people can –and have– just (figuratively) walked up to me and asked. I particularly find it amusing that they’re all from this fandom and always want me to play InuYasha. Would you like to guess why?

I bet I can guess why… 

I think it’s a little retarded to approach a stranger after reading their fanfic, particularly their lemon content, then randomly ask if they’d like to be your RP partner, playing a role that just got their panties wet.

What are they, fucking drunk? lol.

But anyway, yeah. I RP sometimes, but I’m not one of those ultra geeks who actually take that shit seriously and lose their damn mind. It’s just a pastime, but it’s an exclusive pastime that I won’t participate in with just anybody.

/Confession

Today’s Confessional…

I enjoy yaoi anime and manga. I love watching pretty boys fumble through the entanglements of various relationships just as much as I like watching het couples do it. Hell, I’ll go out on a limb and say I enjoy it more than het couples. And now, thanks to Netflix and my irrepressible curiosity, I’ve found a new love in gay cinema.  I’ve watched all of these movies in about 3 days:

Beautiful Thing
Shelter
Come Undone
Latter Days
Get Real
The Love of Siam
Summer Storm
Mysterious Skin

With the exception of Come Undone (boring) and Mysterious Skin (disturbing and heartbreaking), I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself. I used to hate all things yaoi when I first joined the IY fandom. Wanted jackshit to do with it. Now, I adore good yaoi, especially a story that’s more than pretty boys humping each other. Give me some substance and it’s on and poppin’!

So, my confession is simple: I really love yaoi, so much so, that my first original will probably be a story about gay men. I also confess that I really dislike yuri. It’s so fucking boring to me…  Blech. >.<

/Confession.

P.S. Moni made another lovely wallpaper gift for me (Check it at the gallery). This time, it’s for “In His Eyes” and it’s pretty, as always! \o/

Today’s Confession…

I hate emulation. Hate it with a passion, especially when I’m the one being emulated. I hate seeing people, particularly “friends”, making a concerted effort to copy me or imitate things they’ve seen me do. I try really hard to be original. If you’ve been with me a while, you’ve seen that. I don’t want what YOU have. I’m perfectly fine striking out on my own and doing things my own way, regardless of whether it’s considered a “hit” or a “miss”.

It’s called being a leader and not a follower.

I do my best to stay away from patterns and stuff that others use, particularly in fandom. Hate my style, or love my style, there is no doubt that it’s MY style because I’ve been doing what I do long before others came along, following in my footsteps. From my nicknames, to my personal site, to the kind of fanart that I commission, to whom I commission, to the way I write a story -I don’t do what others do. I have no interest in that. I don’t feel so impressed by someone that I must mimic them. It would cheapen me and what I want to stand for, which is my own individuality.

You do you and I’ll do me. That’s my motto.

But I’ve been unlucky. I’ve been unlucky because more than once, several times, in fact, people that I’ve called friends have done the one thing that I hate more than anything else. They’ve emulated me -even after knowing how I feel on the subject. They’ve crossed lines that have made me reject them.

It’s like these people don’t seem to understand that…

I don’t want a twin, and I don’t think being alike is “cute”.

I don’t want people creating variations of my nicknames for themselves. This isn’t a fucking club.

I don’t want so-called friends suddenly deciding to have a ‘thing’ for Human InuYasha because I do.

I don’t want to read someone else’s work and realize I’m actually reading my own (I’m sure you know what I mean).

I don’t want my so-called friends making a point of finding out who I commission so they can commission the same artists.

I don’t want them to copy my commission style down to the damn tattoos I put on my characters.

I don’t want them going behind my back like a fucking stalker, trying to become friends with everyone I know.

I don’t want them trying to find reasons to keep sticking to me when I’m clearly showing no interest.

I don’t want them emulating my websites, nor do I want them lurking at the places where I hold an account  for the sole purpose of stalking my movements.

Friends, real friends, respect boundaries. They don’t try to become a “mini me” who waits around to see what you’ll do next so they can do it, too. They don’t try to get chummy with the people you know -without receiving a proper introduction-  as if they’re part of a package deal.

What I’m saying probably sounds nuts, but I swear, everything I typed has already happened with several people who I’m no longer friends with. Hell, it’s happening right now with someone who can’t seem to see that I don’t want to be bothered. The minute I realize that a person is following me too closely, I want them gone. I’ve been plagiarized in pretty much every aspect in this fandom -while simultaneously being ridiculed as they steal from me- so the second I see someone’s ulterior motives, I’m done. I don’t need the bullshit, so here’s a clue:

I’m not fucking flattered by emulation because identity theft pisses me off.

So, my confession is that CUTS are coming.

/Confession.

Today’s Confession…

I’ve never read 50 Shades of Grey. I just don’t have any interest in it because it sounds like 100 other fanfics I’ve already read. I heard people compare the story to other fanfics with the competitors being better received. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never read it. I have, however, read excepts from the naughty stuff, and yeah… it reads like like fanfic and we’ve all read that.

But what I don’t like is how maligned she’s been in fandom circles and online reviews. Why? What for? I’ve heard people call her a ‘betrayer’ (as reported in some professional blogs that have been reporting on the book. I don’t seek out fandom BS myself).  o.O Eh? Getting published and enjoying success is an act of betrayal? I don’t know anything about her fandom, and don’t want to. Not into what they worship AT ALL, but as another ff writer, I don’t get the hatred. People are quick to say it’s not jealousy, but I’m not so sure.

She’s doing what all fanfic writers (except me, lol) seem to dream of. GETTING PUBLISHED AND BEING SUCCESSFUL WITH IT. This woman is getting her books turned into movies with people like the drop dead gorgeous Ian Somerhalder saying he’d love to play the leading male. >.> Yeah, I find it hard to not see green-eyed monsters. This woman is said to not be nice, and that could be true. I can point out several older (30’s, 40’s, 50’s), well known IY writers who are straight up cunts. But what does personality have to do with success or ability? You don’t have to be nice to be good at what you do, and even if you’re not that good and just got lucky, you still don’t have to be nice. Or attractive. Or worth knowing. >.>

I won’t get into all that I’ve read on the fandom end, but it wasn’t nice (and it should make everyone wary of who they trust and who they choose to chat with) and it was very reminiscent of the kind of shit that I went through -and still go through to a degree. (Someone actually said I was a trespasser once. What the fuck does that even mean since we’re all allowed to write fanfic if we like?) Instead of being happy about someone’s success in the ff world, people often try to have a hierarchy of elites (who are nothing more than other ff writers just like you) who often feel like they need their asses kissed before you can get a positive review or a cheap internet award -but I digress! (I’m talking about myself, not this woman or her old fandom, btw.)

My confession is that while I’m not a fan of 50 Shades or its writer, I sympathize with the BS she’s experiencing online and if I have to choose a side in this (which I don’t. I have no involvement and never will), I’m on hers. Whatever she did  to get where she is right now, good for her. She doesn’t owe anyone out here anything. I don’t know if lightening will strike twice for her, but if it does, hooray, because I can see past the petty bullshit to the fact that, hey, an ff writer made it. That’s something to be happy for because it means our works are starting to be taken seriously and recognized as worthwhile.

That is the bottom line.

/Confession.

Yay! I remembered to do another installment of Hump Day Confessions -and on the fourth of July, no less!

Today’s Confession…

I despise the smell of ketchup. I don’t know why, but I can’t fucking stand it. Mind you, I don’t hate ketchup. I even use it on fries (except McDonald’s fries. They’re the only fries on earth that don’t need anything extra), but the smell makes me gag, especially when it’s a lingering smell from a plate that hasn’t been tossed yet. Drives. Me. Crazy.

It could be because I developed adult onset allergies (You know, pollen, dust, and shit of that nature) and my nose is extra sensitive, but I really fucking hate it. I also hate strong smells in general now and can barely stand perfume and air fresheners… It’s a nightmare. Seriously.

/Confession

Happy BBQ Day!