Beyond Redemption

So, I wanted to apologize for bombing fan month again (epically, at that). I really struggled to write GFE (I just wasn’t inspired and I forced it), so I was unhappy with the outcome, but had no choice because it was like blood from a turnip. To add to my abject annoyance, someone left a comment/rating that pissed me off and killed whatever was left of my drive to even bother. Updating is beyond hell for me now and I only do it for you guys. If I were the sole factor in this thing, I would have closed my site already. I’m past InuYasha, and just about done altogether with writing, so her shit did not help.

In short, one person ruined everything for everyone.

That said, I really appreciate all of the positive and encouraging reviews you guys have been leaving. I’m working a lot right now and not online as much, so I haven’t replied to them all yet, but knowing that you still enjoy the work is the greatest gift for a 9-year vet.

Yup, on June 16th, “InuGrrrl” turns 9. Really hard to believe, huh? We’ve been through battles! I didn’t think I’d still have my site or still be writing after so long, but here we are -even though I’m not really writing….

Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for all the love and patience. I can’t promise you great updates, or that I will finish all my stories. I can only promise to try. Updates will come, but they will be short. REALLY SHORT. We’re talking 3,000 words at the very most (aka, what just about everyone else writes, lol). It’s the only way I can update without making myself crazy. I think that trying to give you at least 4-5k is just too much for the uninspired me. If I’m feeling a chapter and can go longer, I definitely will, but please don’t expect anything past 3k.

I also want to thank the lovely Angie22 for a beautiful surprise fanart! She enjoys The Neighbor (like many of you) and drew a fantastic story-inspired pic for it. Go see it and love on it. Art inspires me, so who knows, you guys may get that update yet!

Had to drop in and wish my lovelies (and their Mama’s) a Happy Mother’s Day!

As you probably know, I lost my mother some time ago and a day doesn’t go by when I don’t miss her. So, if you’re lucky enough to still have yours, cherish the time you spend with her because you never know when it will end.

Have a great day, everyone!

This is an update on the reader accounts.

1. Reader accounts can only be issued by me. There won’t be a “register” link available on the site. Names will be taken from reviews, mostly recent ones (as in the last year or so -with a few exceptions), because those are the people who are still regularly visiting the site.

2. Many reviewers have been registered over the weekend with more to come. However, some reviewers will not be registered due to their username, or lack thereof. For example, I get a lot of reviews from “Anon and Anonymous”. I can’t register that to my site; it could be anyone. I have some who only review using a one letter name like “S”, but the site will not allow names that are less than 3 letters. So, if you’ve been doing either one, I advise that you review with a real name or you won’t get in.

3. Reader accounts have a new Terms of Service (on the main toolbar). Familiarize yourselves because they’re important.

4. The member list will go public 1-2 week before the actual locking of the site. That will give people time to collect their passwords from me, or in the case of a reviewer who was forgotten, contact me for registration. I’m doing my best to get the names of all my regulars, but Absolution is almost 6 years old -she’s made a lot of friends! So don’t take offense if you weren’t included; it could just be a simple case of overlooking. However, if you’re a reviewer who has left comments or ratings I wasn’t fond of… heh.

5. Those who find their name on the list have to e-mail me with their e-mail address and username. Then, you’ll get a password you can use to log into the site.

6. Absolution will be locked to the general public, but not locked as a whole. That means, if you’re not a regular reviewer, or you’re new to the site, but are willing to become a regular reviewer, you can inquire about an account.

And yes, every story on my site will be locked (ratings don’t matter). So even if you access the site itself, it will be useless because without an account, you can’t access the fiction.

To those who could never be bothered with reviewing, what can I say? It’s not hard to leave a positive comment on a story you like (Otherwise, why come to my site at all?), but that choice is, and has always been, yours to make. No regrets or apologies from me; I want to write for people that give a shit about what I’m doing and show it.

To everyone else, thanks for the support. I have noticed an upswing in reviews lately, undoubtedly because of the impending reader accounts, but I still appreciate you guys taking a minute to make up for all the times you didn’t review. Either way, it means a lot and they’re appreciated.

I’m still lazing around today, but tomorrow I begin work on the last 2 chapters of Fan Month. Yay! \o/

Hey Y’all! 😀

Okay, so, FA month has NOT officially started. I admit, I’ve been fucking around with yaoi manga (drool), and other stuff, and not setting up as I should, but the good news is that I started last night. In order to update I need to look over previous chaps and get my head back into the stories, so I started on that. I’m still not giving the date of the kick off yet, though, because I want to be a bit more “ready”. After all, I haven’t updated many of these in a while, so… yeah. lol. But I wanted to come in here and give some kind of progress report! 😛

Also, I just got the final lineart on my new art. This one is for my next website layout, so it’s InuYasha and I and it ROCKS. My Sarah just kills it every time! I haz QUITE happy and I look forward to IG [dot] Net Version 3!

*Does the happy dance*

Also, if you have a Deviant Art account, come friend me. I started doing daily, “just for fun” polls, so you should come weigh in. The one that’s up now is about Sesshomaru. Not all of them are about IY, they vary, but it’s fun for boredom. ^^

P.S. THE YANKEES WON THE DIVISION!!!!
(Take THAT Red Sux!)

The Red Sox inexplicably got the better of us all season and still lost the AL East. How does that happen???? There should have been cameras on them when they got the news. Their fans talk so much shit, but you get to eat another plate of Yankee crow. Enjoy! 😀

But that’s not to say we can’t still screw up and blow the playoffs -that can definitely happen. But still, it’s nice to take the division from them. AGAIN. *moonwalks*

That’s it for now. Hopefully, I’ll have new goodies to show y’all soon -and you’ll definitely see new skins during FA month. That’s a promise! \o/

Eh… yeah. I haven’t been around much. My back relapsed, and on top of that, I just haven’t felt like saying much to anyone. I try to post here only when I have news of some sort, but other than my back was for shit, there was no point. Plus, I’m distancing myself from certain people and examining loyalties. You have to do that every once in a while to weed out those that aren’t really worth the time anymore. Unfortunately, I found a few.

But anyway, the update is that I plan to update. As you can imagine, I haven’t felt like doing much with the pain slapping me around (my mood is shitty, too), but I started working on an update that’s a long time in coming and hope to have it posted in a couple of days. (Gosh, when did writing start taking years, literally?) I don’t know how I’m going to do it with my inspiration being what it is, but I’m going to attempt to buckle down a lot more and finish the fictions that I feel are worth completing. I don’t think I’ll be in IY fandom much longer, and before that happens, I want to finish a few things, not just for myself, but for the people that have read my works faithfully and left such great reviews. They deserve something for the years they’ve spent with me and I’m going to do my best for them. Lurkers and critics I don’t care about because, honestly, at what point did they ever show any support for my fiction? Nah, fuck them.

This one is for the people that review, e-mail, and basically give a shit.

You know, it wasn’t my intention to come in here and vent today. I was actually having a pretty good day and spent last night looking at older stories, as well as writing some newer ones. The goal: To re-familiarize myself with past works in order to update, or in some cases, finish them. But then, I get some mail from a wonderful friend alerting me that someone came to one of my sites and lifted some art of mine to use as their avatar, or whatever. Now, that in of itself is annoying because I pay for my art for a reason -to keep it exclusive to me for use on my websites.

But what makes something more annoying is when it’s my actual likeness being used. Yup. Someone used a piece I received as a gift, a pic based on what I actually look like, and posted it as their own. But what makes it insidious is that it was taken directly from one of my headers and cropped without so much as credit to where it actually came from or who it actually was. I’m not pissed, really, but it was some real tool shit to do, particularly when they had me faved as an author. If it was a “fan” thing with no maliciousness meant, why not just ask? I’ve had people do that before, but the complete disregard just wasn’t cool, especially when that image, in that particular background, is exclusive to my site. (I know because I created the background myself.)

It got me thinking about Absolution and all of the headaches I can avoid if I password protect it, thus cutting off general access. If I do that, no one can even look at the pages of my sites (I can do it to each one) without going through me. It would narrow down the guest list and give me a better idea of who is coming into my house. And I realize that doing that won’t completely safeguard me from nonsense, but it would certainly give me more control over who comes into my home. I’m also aware of the poll numbers, but shit like this fucking annoys me.

I don’t know if y’all have noticed or not, but I’m pretty far away from the rest of the fandom. Only a small portion of my stories are posted outside of my personal sites, and that’s at ff.net because I was (and still am) getting plagiarized there. So I started posting to establish more of a presence. I also post a few things at Deviant Art, mostly short stuff (i.e. oneshots and novellas), but Absolution and IG.Net as a whole, is my fucking HOME and I don’t appreciate people feeling like they can, and should, violate that.

I don’t fuck with anyone. I mind my own business and it’s rare when I come outside of my bubble. I have severed my ties with 90% of the IY fandom, going as far as to remove my stories from nomination contention at the Feudal Association (I didn’t bother with the IYFG; they make sure a win with them is a rarity, and after the way I’ve been spit on there for no reason, I wouldn’t waste my time even sending a note) because winning art or a banner simply isn’t worth the dramatics that follow.

(That doesn’t mean you should stop participating in ED’s awards, though. That’s a community thing based on what the ED community enjoys. It’s closed off and doesn’t involve the entire fandom, thus making it a much more pleasant experience. /Plug. lol.)

I don’t even read much fanfic anymore because it’s a bit disheartening when you end up enjoying someone’s work then find out through the vine that she’s been badmouthing you. Never mind that you don’t know her and never did shit to her. But that’s what this fandom is. It’s full of petty jealousies and immature children disguised as women in their 30’s, 40’s, and yes, 50’s. I fought against that kind of shit since “GO”, and I know I’ve encouraged many to ignore their critics and write for the fun of it, but my activist days are pretty much over. I’m happy and content in my own little world without the “frills”.

I’ve got a great set of regulars that check out the stories and leave nice reviews. They appreciate the work and they kick it with me and we have a good time. That’s all I care about now. These hags can keep the rest of the bullshit to themselves -they’re so welcome to it.

Anyway, back on topic. I’m probably going to close Abi to the public in the next few weeks. How it would work is when you come to the site, a menu will drop down asking you for a username and a password. This information would be the same for everyone that visits, however, it is subject to change. Those that get a password/username have to agree that they’re not going to give it out. I have the capability to track visitors by IP address and I am in possession of most of yours. If I start seeing numbers I don’t recognize, I will lock that person out of the site, or if necessary, change the password and username again.

I know, it’s crappy, but I’m sick of these people and I don’t need/want the dumb shit involved with just trying to maintain a place of my own where I feel comfortable and at ease. Most of y’all have my e-mail address, or you can get it from Absolution. If you want to still have access to the site, please mail me with the penname you use for reviews, and when it’s time, you’ll get mail from me with log in info. And yes, the people that will probably be getting in are people that review. Why? Because I know them a bit more personally, and they’re not just lurkers, hanging around for whatever reason.

And yes, I know it will drastically cut down the availability of my fiction. That’s the idea. I’m closing off circulation to the majority of my stories and allowing people in that appreciate my work and respect me on a whole. This is not a move of arrogance; I don’t think my fics are so “awesome” they need exclusivity. This is about not having my shit hijacked by random people.

Again, this is a few weeks off; I want to give my regulars time to get the news and contact me for the login. I’m sorry it even had to come to this, but my hand is being forced.

Happy Friday.

EDIT: I heard back from the person that lifted my likeness and there was an apology with a deletion. (I’m very appreciative of that. I’m not used to people actually stepping up when they’re in the wrong) Turns out, she got the pic from another person, though. Kinda justifies why I need to close my doors, doesn’t it?

EDIT II: I just got a review from an author whose fics I’ve always loved and she’s been gone a LONG while. It gave me pause. Had Abi been closed, she never would have gotten to say hello. Damn. That just messed me all up, lol.

I started doing the “Year in Review” in 2006 after all that shit went down at that fic site, and it became a little tradition. It’s pretty much where I just talk about highs and lows and do a few thank yous, sooooo let’s have at it! ^_^

2009, in a lot of ways, sucked. It wasn’t a good year for writing, as I dallied a lot, dealt with carpal tunnel, and lost my inspiration to write to the point that I was ready to close up my personal website and call it a day. One night, I literally found my finger on the “delete” button for Absolution (Yeah, it got that serious.). I was just sick of it all. I was still dealing with a plethora of assholes over the stupidest shit like awards and petty jealousy (over what, I’m still unsure), I had tricks I don’t even know, pointing people to my blog, this blog (a slice of idiocy that still begs questioning), and it became just too beneath me to deal with.

And I won’t even get into how I was plagiarized. Again. Or how I saw someone read my fics and visit my personal sites, then turn around and use titles from those stories and sites in their fiction (and this was right after they read my shit, so this isn’t a coincidence).

IY fandom: Proving everyday that originality is dead.

Then, there were the shifts in a few of my personal relationships. Someone I love disappointed me greatly, another one that I cared for had to feel my scissors, and several others found out how I can become when I’ve decided to punish them with distance.

But, those were the worst parts. There were good parts as well.

2009 opened me up to several new people, awesome people, that seriously made up for the horrors this year has brought. There are also the wonderful people I already knew that became even greater, closer friends that I love to death. In fact, I’ve learned some great lessons from everything I’ve witnessed and experienced and I shall share a few!

1. Forgiveness is something to be earned, and once they’ve earned it, let it go.
2. Some of one’s dearest, closest, and most true blue friends can be people they’ve never met.
3. Haters hate for a reason, and most of the time, it has everything to do with how they feel about themselves.
4. One gets what one gives, especially love.
5. Family has absolutely nothing to do with blood relations.
6. I’m a writer, no matter how I try to shake it off, and I need to answer that call.
7. I’m too hard on myself and too easy on others.
8. I’m a damned good person and everyone I surround myself with are as well.
9. It’s okay to have moments of weakness; that’s what my friends are for.
10. I have to stop being so completely floored by compliments; I’m not as bad as I probably think.

There were many others, but those are the most notable ones.

For 2010, I’ve made a few resolutions that I hope to stick to as well.

1.Take better care of myself, both physically and mentally, and stop letting assholes stress me.
2. Learn to say “NO” more; I don’t owe anyone anything and I need to remember that.
3. Make more time for the people I love, online and off.
4. Recapture my love for my IY fictions and finish them, not just for the lovelies, but for my own sense of accomplishment.
5. Do something fun everyday, even if it’s just for an hour.
6. Start writing the original novels I’ve been putting off for 2 years.
7. Let go of old hurts; they’re only wearing me down.
8. Keep exploring/growing and don’t get stuck in self-imposed ruts.
9. Never, ever go against my instinct because I’m rarely wrong.
10. Accept that I can’t please everyone and stop trying to be the one to fix everything.

It’s a new year, so there are new goals, and I’m going to really pull out the stops to change some bad habits. Wish me luck!

Now, the thank yous…

My Inner Circle (You know who you are): You guys are love, mi familia, my sisters and brothers and the people I know I can turn to for just about anything. Thank you, very very much for being there when I needed you with kindness, laughter, “comfortable silence”, insane RP, crazy IMs, beautiful art, fantabulous graphics, outstanding fictions, gifts of every sort, and horror movie titles. *winks at Danga* I have your back. Always.

To My Redemption Lovelies: You guys are the most hilarious bunch of chicks (and dude) this side of the fucking fandom! You make entries here FUN, and I love that you aren’t afraid to express yourselves and toss your .02 into the pot. We’ve had some great debates and awesome laughs; this place wouldn’t be the same without ya! Thanks for sharing your lives with me.

And To My Absolution Lovelies: Some of you have been with me since 2005 when I first burst on the scene with that crazy canon oneshot (Haha! Canon!), but you forgave me and stuck around, watching with great enthusiasm as I coasted through fics, changed writing styles, and matured into something a little better than I was at the start. Thanks for that. I know many of you don’t review and choose to mail me. Others don’t say word; they just show me their presence by the hit counter on each story, and some leave their mark for each and every chapter, making me gape, snicker, and in some cases, go: o.O

But you know what? In the words of Jay Z…

“You could be anywhere in the world, but you’re here with me, and I appreciate that.”

Thanks for being here and enjoying the completed stories, sticking with the WIPs, and welcoming the new tales. You’ve supported me from the start, and while many have come later on, proving that I still have the power to help them escape from the BS of real life (even if it’s for a little while), it’s only now that I see this as a true gift -no matter how the haters try to make it seem like a curse. So, here’s to keeping IY alive in 2010!

Domo arigatou gozaimasu and Happy New Year!

I’m pretty scarce right now, but I wanted to wish my peeps a great Christmas holiday!

*HugsHugsHugs*

Be happy & eat a lot! ^_^

EDIT: I swear, Kimmy, it was an accident! LMAO!!!! *runs to change it*

This week has been interesting, to say the least, and I’ve come to a few decisions.

Lately, people around me have been trippin’ and I have no idea why. I stay out of people’s shit, period. I try not to take sides, or get involved in any way because I’ve got problems of my own. Plus, I’m really a “live and let live” person. If you didn’t do anything to me personally, I have no reason to hate on you. It’s just too bad that some will look at that stance like I’m being intentionally distant, or whatever, when the truth is that I just don’t want to be in any shit storms that have jackbone to do with me. Really, who does?

That said, as just about everyone knows, I all but left LiveJournal around March of 2009. My last real post there was on my birthday when I thanked everyone for the wonderful gifts and for remembering a Grrrl. Right after that, I opened this wordpress and I haven’t been there since other than to wish happy birthdays. I haven’t seen my f-list in about 6 months, and when I do show up there, it’s to deal with InuRomp and Challenge Destiny. In fact, I think y’all know that I purged my LJ some time ago. At least No-No knows because she asked me about it on here. I did that because I have an aversion to LJ and I always have.

The shit that goes on there is epically stupid, and I’m not in high school. Grown women trippin’ isn’t fun for me, and since I only wrote for one community for a short time and haven’t posted anything there since, my only reason for keeping that account is for the comms I run. And in case y’all didn’t know (prolly not), I’m leaving InuRomp when this fall challenge I started with Salome is over next month. She’s leaving as well and we’re passing it to a couple of great members who are happy and excited about running it. This decision was made about 2 months ago, because like I said, I don’t have a reason to be on LJ.

As for ED’s community, that, I plan to keep, provided there is interest within the membership come June. However, I can run that with my mods from the ED LiveJournal account. InuGrrrl does not have to have an LJ in order to do her duties there, so she won’t.

Yes, I’m closing my LiveJournal account as soon as I comfortably can. I want absolutely nothing to do with that place or anything that happens there anymore. It’s not worth it. And know this, when I close it I’m going to say so and if anyone EVER tries to friends you as me, DO NOT FRIEND THEM BACK BECAUSE IT WILL NOT BE ME.

And there will be other changes. As some of you know, I’ve been trying to inch out of the Feudal Association for a while now, which is why there is a mod’s group in place -to take over. I have since told them that they need a new webmistress/master. It doesn’t look like any effort has been made to find one, and that’s going to be sad, because I’m not doing it this term. I’m too busy and I made it known that I was stepping down from the site 2 months ago. So, I can only hope that someone will be interested in building a new site for them.

Then, there is The Boiler Room (my yaoi site). I’ve been mulling it over, and I think I’m going to close it. I built it with someone specific in mind, and through no fault of her own, she all but had to leave fandom/writing and, for me, it hasn’t been the same since. I mean, it’s a pretty little site with a few members, but overall, I don’t see a real reason to keep it open. It’s not nearly as busy as ED, and with the domain needing renewing in a few months, it may be the opportune time to send out the warning letters to the authors and close up shop.

I’m also closing my account at Y! Gallery. I’m never there, and ever since I had a little incident there some months back over the STUPIDEST SHIT EVER, it was just another nail in the coffin for this fandom. People are just… yeah. So, I’m closing that account today. I’m also closing my account at that hentai site, and paper demon, and loads of other places. I have no need of them, and at this point, I’m withdrawing and retreating into my own shit, anyway. I own a slew of websites; I don’t need to be anywhere else. Everyone I care about, and who cares about me, knows how to find me when they need me. All this other shit is just that -shit- and I’m done with it.

EDIT: Apparently, Y Gal doesn’t let you delete an account. So I just deleted all my fics from there and removed all my personal stuff. I also contacted the owner of Paper Demon -after deleting all my stuff- and asked her to close my account there. I just closed my Hentai Foundry account. Squee! I’m on a fucking roll.

I’m serious about withdrawing from fandom, in an overall sense, and just keeping with my own sites and the people that still want to read my fics on MY site. I may even close my ff.net account. I’m deliberating that one, though, because I try to stay conscious of the feelings of the people that have taken the time to read and review my work there. It’s a shitty site, no question, that has provided a safe haven for plagiarists (I know because I was plagiarized there 4 times). But I try really hard not to sweep everyone with a broad stroke. So, I may finish updating whatever I started there, but I won’t be submitting any brand new stories.

And last but not least, I know y’all have seen me mention it a few times, but I really am deliberating closing Absolution to the general public and pretty much giving house keys to my friends, and the lovelies that take the time to review.

Why? Because honestly, I don’t like the idea of having 400 people read a chapter in 2 days time and not review or let me know who they are in any way. I don’t think it would kill anyone to say what they may have enjoyed about the chap, but more to the point, I don’t like the idea of nameless, faceless masses being inside my personal archive.

One of the fictions that was stolen -twice- is Rebound, and the second time it happened, it was only posted on Absolution. That means that someone came directly into my house and stole from me, and I’m sorry, but that fucking infuriated me. If someone can’t refrain from stealing, or even better, leave a review just to set my mind at ease about who was in my house, then why am I letting them in?

That said, like I mentioned a minute ago, I try to stay conscious of the feelings of people that read my work. That’s why this new poll is up. If you visit this blog, then vote and give me an idea of what you’re thinking. Trust me, I’m taking it all into consideration.

Last, I’m writing again (as y’all have seen) and I’m doing as much as I can while my brain is being nice to me. I haven’t even been to facebook in the last few days, so I can tell that I’m getting my shit together and getting back into finishing my fics. That’s why it’s important that I start seeing something from my readers. I really don’t want to lock the castle doors and have people miss out on updates for fics they’ve invested their time in. However, I will, if it’s a question of protecting my house.

I guess New Year’s resolutions are coming early.

EDIT: My LiveJournal has been deleted. Y’all know how to find me when you need me! 😛

Thank you, Ebony!!! <3